SELL IT TO ME

Speaking of Trust

2006-12-19T07:32:00.000-08:00

Waiting and trusting have been the necessary actions of the last two months of my life. Everyday I wake up and I have a choice whether or not to trust my God and his power to continue to restore me to sanity. And to trust that his will for my life is better than my will for my life, daily.

Trust and Perfection

2006-12-18T21:17:00.000-08:00

Long gone is the perspective I held when writing my last blog. And months have gone by. And much has changed. But my invisible audience is always there, ready to read whenever I decide I am ready to write.

I want to reflect on trust. To trust is to be soft and vulnerable. To trust is to believe. Trust is often preceded by faith. How can we know what/whom to trust when so many people and so many things are unpredictable? When there is so much evil in the world and so much potential for evil, how foolish to expect good? Why trust? Despite the impossibility of perfect safety among things and people of this world, we must trust, or we may miss out on some of the most valuable gifts of life. For example I do not believe love can exist without some degree of trust. Relationships cannot develop. Many things cannot be accomplished without trust. Trust is, in part, typically based on some facts/information. Blind trust we might call faith. And we often discover reasons, or facts which may form the basis of our trust through acts of faith which provide an opportunity to do so. Yet, when we have all of the facts we inevitably discover holes through which we may fall, or potentialities for the violation of trust. But to fully trust is to believe in an object of that trust, which is perfect and good and therefore and completely safe. All of the facts still leave no room for error; no holes through which one might fall; no potential for evil or trust violation. Perfection can be trusted fully. And so I cannot fully trust a human being. I may trust someone despite their potential for violation of trust, but then, for emotional/mental/spiritual survival's sake, I must simultaneously trust myself or another person or thing to catch me and support me should violation of trust become a reality. I feel the need to trust fully, ultimately, totally. To fully trust means to believe in the perfection of my object of trust. This is God and God alone.

Out of the States and into Reality

2006-09-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

I believe I need to get out of the country at least once a year, but the past couple of years have not provided such an opportunity. So I have been aching for this trip a bit more intensely. And boy did I need it. I have been in Nicaragua for the past two weeks. I am still here now. Here now and leaving tomorrow and I have a strange ache in my stomach. An ache of longing for soon coming relief from a language barrier, strange sights, sounds and routines as well as a nervous ache as I anticipate the countercultureshock that follows even such a short trip.

And I ache with some excitement. Fresh eyes for a familiar place. And I want this fresh perspective to last forever. But I know that it won't. I need to get out of the familiar. I live in the city in which I was born. And though I love it so, I know that soon I will have to leave it. I believe I will be more effective in all my efforts somewhere else.

I will take home many things of great value; In my hands and in my heart.

Slow down girl

2006-07-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

Slow down

It seems so many things in my day left me impatient and grumpy. Move faster! "Can't we just go a little faster please" I asked the car in front of me. I missed my class because of some insane traffic. I went to a show tonight that just went on and on without sign of an end. I hit every red light, but the kind where it is turning yellow just too soon for you to speed your way through it. I think I counted 4 times today I got stuck behind a car trying to park in front on me on a narrow road.

Waiting impatiently

What? Am I supposed to learn some lesson? develop patience? what?

And then I thought to myself, maybe these things have been so extraordinarily frustrating because I am trying to move too fast. I am always trying to move too fast and always failing to succeed. With so many things I am this way. However, in some ways it seems to be changing for the better.

I want to live out my dreams, so instead of pining away for them now I am planning for them now, even though I do not know when they will come to fruition. I want to be ready when the opportunities come.

I am in the mood to just meet people and learn about what makes them who they are. It sounds very cheesy, but I am not in a hurry, for once, to use relationships to propel me forward toward my dreams so as to make up for my lack of motivation and action on my own.

So I am generally improving in this area, however I need to remain in a place of serenity and peace. My impatience is powerful. The only way I can truly have peace is to pray and give my will up to him over and over again.

so the devil knows where I live

2006-07-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

The devil's been at my doorstep tryin to creep in.

And it seems that a recent fall has given me better vision and focus. What do I do with this new sober view of life? I love this place of freedom after a hard fall. I know this relief. I am familiar with it. After quitting a job, getting injured during my gymnastics career, having something cancelled or a snow day for that matter. Anything that causes a pressure to be removed, even if it means a failure of sorts. I get high on this sense of clarity that comes after a serious fall.

But do I let myself fall just to get this clarity? Absolutely not, and this is a difficult concept to grab onto. "Should we sin more so that grace increase? By no means..."

Grace is available in increasing quantities regardless of the level to which I enter into sin..

Grace is free and without conditions

Get high or die trying

2006-06-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

I can't hear someone say these words without tears quickly rising from my gut. I am gushing out rage at the enemy called addiction and those who facilitate its progression. This is now the third person I have seen die in the last year. 3 overdoses. 3 deaths. This one that died several weeks ago, however, happened to be my very favorite people. One in whom I saw such great potential. I hoped so much good for him. I enjoyed his personality. I loved his silly smile and naive questions.

He was just on the other end of the phone. He was just standing on the street corner downtown. I should have kidnapped him and thrown him into a treatment center. I should have shared more of the hope that I have.

All the "shoulds" that come along with the grieving process come together in my simple wish that he was still alive; that it wouldn't have ended this way. I remind myself that the "shoulds" are truly my grasping on to some sense of control; my final attempt at denying the reality of this tragedy. I wish that I had not stared at his motionless, lifeless face, remembering his smile.

I turn to Christ. I think of how sad it is that this one was a fatherless boy. How sad that he did not have the hope of the gospel available when it seemed there was this window of opportunity; this, however brief, moment of head above water searching, looking around with desperation for some kind of salvation.

cold lips
pale skin
escape
no more anxious breathing
Everything is quiet and calm; Did you intend to die or just kill the pain?

Majik

2006-06-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

A dark, shaded corner of the room and the window is open. Soft breeze and the light long red curtains dance over my head for a moment and then... silence. The light of the moon is in my room and I feel like magic. I stand. Powerful reflection of this universal light. I fall back onto the bed and you catch me with your eyes...your smile and soundless movement.

So long

2006-06-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

What power a word can hold, in a certain place, at a certain time, with the right people and the wrong motivation. One word can change everything. So I guard my tongue. So much can slip out. And scarred hearts deflect yet another attack.

I love words. I lack words. Always have. Never enough and never accurate to represent the concepts in my mind. Pictures and feelings and senses and mood.

I AM

2006-04-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

The revelation of the nature of God
taking me to the end of my existence
I arrive in a moment of clarity
weeping

Revelation drinking keeps me breathing
the mystery of this so purposeful proclamation
of a name

Deeper reality embedded in the sovereign spirit-breathed
history of how you love
I AM in awe of one I cannot surpass
Of one to whom I cannot apply
any amount of intellect or internalized methods of madness
which would seek to uncover and discover a fraud
or something that I can hold down

I gather all that is left in me:
a drop of my intellect to snuff out
this eternal burning
bush is speaking with a voice in the likeness of the son of man

The futility of my striving
fire fighting spirit of skepticism
rising to leave me
lonely
standing on holy ground
barefoot and exposed for who
I AM

Unquenchable fire
is the desire of the living God
to express the essence of his being

And now beyond the full potential
of human expectancy
a word
a touch
a spear of kindness
thrown into the center of my soul

No need for introductions
or establishing trust
but simply, deeply
all at once
Holiness hidden
filling me to fullness
for just a moment
a glimpse of forever
Remembered for generations

I AM

Dancing in the Sun

2006-04-20T06:34:00.000-07:00

It's a perfectly blue sky and I am wondering why I am not dancing in the sun. I don't have it in me. can't believe winter is over. I've waited so long for the world to be revived from its frozen over sleep, and when it finally is, I don't seem to care. I wonder if I will care for eternity when it comes along? C.S. Lewis captures this in the Great Divorce. What will I do with this so good? Will I be stuck in winter and will I care dance in the sun?

freedom?

2006-04-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

When did I lose my vision? I lost sight of that for which my eyes have been opened.

Again

And the hardest part is getting back up on that beam again after a fall.

How do you succeed?

Don't think about the possibility of falling, but know what you will do to get back up again and finish strong.

"my dear friends I am writing this to you so that you do not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the father in our defense: Jesus Christ, the righteous one. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins. And not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world"

So there it is, plain and simple and extremely confusing. Here is an encouragement to live without sin. Then the next sentence explains the grace that is there to cover our sin - - so obviously God expects that we will sin. Just because he says be holy as I am holy does not mean that if we do not achieve this we are condemned. In some ways the church preaches this though. I have not been in many churches that are actively dealing with their sin, or even admit that they sin at all. And I have not been in many churches where people seem "alive." But those who are alive are those with a sober view of themselves and a view of God as the one who makes them great and for His purposes. It seems as if majority opinion trumps written down theology or church value statements. The culture of the church becomes the gospel; majority opinion is the message that gets sent; theology gets all twisted into our own crap and its no wonder people don't feel welcome, free or hopeful when they walk into the avg. church these days.

The pride of Christians seems to hide the message that we are all sinners and we that we will always be dealing with this fallen world until death do us part. I believe in following Jesus. This to me is what he asks of us. If I were to try to be Christian from what I have seen in my life of Christians, I would be attempting to lessen my desires, become more disciplined by self-will, and try to look really "good" to others. This is so repulsive!!!!! Why? Because it's not real! People who live like this are not really living! They are not recognizing the reality of their propensity toward self-centeredness, pride, and other destructive ways of living (or sin). I like to call it "denial." And if there is one way I hate living it is "In Denial." It is total hypocrisy! and it is ugly to God and others. (I believe this was part of the reason Jesus caused the fig tree without fruit to wither - it had nothing real to offer, it had no purpose other than to look good, and it was not reflecting the reality of how it was made! - Matt 18?) So Jesus did this once for all thing, meaning his death and resurrection were sufficient to cover over all sin should we take advantage of this. Then the question comes..should we sin more so that grace may increase? or can I just keep sinning because it's all covered? Then the question is, if someone you knew had to take on the consequence for every screw ups and you had to watch them suffer would you keep doing it? We learn this way. If something results in a negative consequence we generally stop doing it (however, often we choose to ignore or forget there were consequences so we can experience that same pleasure again - which is often the case with drugs and alcohol).

So what about sin where there seems to be no consequence? There seems to be nothing wrong with it? Chances are I'm am going to keep doing it until I experience some negative consequence. This is very true of me. I find my negative consequence is spiritual - I experience a sense of loss in my connection with God - I cannot stay in relationship with him and stay in this sin. When this becomes so painful, I give it up.

Another negative consequence is the recognition that this particular sin has an eternal negative consequence - well that's the easiest kind to deny right? I can't see it, there is no consequence. And then I listen to Johnny cash sing Revelation, all about the judgment and I realize that the person I claim to love is the one who suffered that consequence.

You know I am finally starting to see this gospel thing as normal, or relevant to who I am, my struggles and my desires. Ironically, Christian college left me in a state of real confusion, as did the serious relationship I had with a, well, we'll call him a "superChristian" (he was all rules, all self-willed discipline, and all judging of others).

It seems it took some rebellion on my part (not to justify) and getting nitty gritty real with my sin nature to truly understand what I am believing now; to get out of that guilt-ridden, judgmental, yet apathetic state that college seemed to leave me in. I believe it truly was more difficult to be a follower of jesus in Christian college simply because the atmosphere or culture was so far from reality and I could sense it. It was not real and I craved reality! I craved honesty and integrity and truth!

And I found it and I am finding it

no evidence

2006-03-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

I have no evidence of the nature of things to come. No proof of what will be. Yet I am waiting for the Lord, whom I have never seen.

Be strong, and work. Take heart, and wait. He will turn our mourning into joy. It won't be long now.

What goes down must come up

2006-03-24T21:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels so mechanical; life that is. I am programmed to do so many things and these things I do, over and over again like a well-oiled machine; I move from one day to the next and the next. I move to the rhythm of musts. When everything unimportant feels necessary.

I am convinced that we either live in this monotonous, unadventurous, safe denial, or we encounter just how defective we all really are; of course along with the latter we may encounter the potential for our effectiveness as well. But the only way to do what is truly good is to first face the reality of our defectiveness; of our disease, running throughout every part of us. If I were to make a machine in my likeness, I would throw it away because of all the problems it would cause. Yet this is the machine in which I live. I am this that ought to be given up on and thrown away.

But I am valued, and in being valued I find hope. If God himself believes I am worth keeping around, than who am I to disagree. But to move without malfunctioning I must rely on the maker to operate me properly. I cannot function correctly, I cannot function without fault on my own.

But what an amazing piece of work he wants me to be. Through him and with him and in him i can do all things. I am making plans to make him great; to reflect the designer. I will function as he intended but he must be operating. I must become less; he must become more. And he will raise up those who are bowed down.

Ouch it hurts

2006-03-20T20:50:00.000-08:00

Riding the rollercoaster of life. This is the part of the ride where you've been upsidown so many times you're starting to feel sick to your stomach and you really just want it to be over now but you know there are a few more loops to go.

Keep breathing, I tell myself. It will get better.

"In my lonely hour

2006-03-19T20:13:00.000-08:00

I know just where to go" I heard as I turned on WYEP on my way home tonight.

"In my lonely hour, I go to the Lord, in my lonely hour I go to his word...."

What! God you are so funny.

Blue Moon

2006-03-18T22:02:00.000-08:00

You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue Moon
You know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for

The moon was blue tonight, and I begged for someone to hold. I shamelessly ached before You.

I barely caught just glimpses of it as it weaved in and out through the clouds. It was hard to see with the street lights on the road, too close and too bright and in the way of my view. Beautiful, beautiful blue moon. Couldn't take my eyes off of it.

I noticed the moon through my tears. Tears of longing. Tears of loneliness. Tonight I am not afraid to admit it. I hurt because I am so lonely. I hurt with a longing for someone to love and someone to love me. I hurt to have someone to hold. And tonight I will say it without shutting off my feelings with a should (as in should get all of my satisfaction from God and if I don't I must be weak in my faith). But faith is hurting. Faith is longing. Faith is feeling the lack of God's presence and believing he's still here. Faith is painfully longing for more of God's love while standing firm in the tension of what is already and what is not yet, but is to come. Faith is knowing that the God that is exists and is always there though he can't be seen is enough to satisfy. It feels good to cry. And tonight I cry for more. I cry that I cannot see the moon like I want to. That blue beautiful moon keeps hiding behind the clouds!! And every time it peaks out these stupid street lights blind my view of it.

I am angry. I am groaning. I am aching. I am waiting for my Lord.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of reality. Sometimes I could be content with being "alone" all of my life here on earth. Without a love of my own. And these moments are actually kind of exciting. I think of taking adventures with my God. I think of giving my life so unabashedly to Him, recklessly running for the prize of the joy of being in his arms.

Actually, physically in the arms of God. This is what I want now. To be held and to hold. What love exists here is only a shadow of the fullness of the love that is between God and his people. It is now and will be forever and the land of the tension of the already but not quite yet is a painful desert of faith. And my beautiful beautiful blue moon; I suppose you are an oasis. I look into this pool of water to notice not my reflection but the reflection of my God's gaze, the Suns light. Beautiful, beautiful is my God. But it still hurts...my loneliness. The pain is the glue that binds me to You tonight.

And I rest knowing that the blue moon exists somewhere behind the clouds.

A little comfort for the weary

2006-03-13T21:40:00.000-08:00

A butterfly flaps it's wings and causes a hurricane. Aragorn walks confidently as one of 3 toward an army of orcs and suddenly the army of ghosts follows him to win the battle. I pray a simple prayer and millions of people are affected by it. Do I know who I am praying to? Do I believe that I pray to the King of kings? Oh me of little faith. I pray like I wash my dishes sometimes. Through the list until every dish is clean.

But the prayer offered in faith...the words are beautiful to him. Words of one who is honored to be called a friend of the most high. One flap of one wing of a frail but free butterfly and You would move mountains. I don't contribute much but you want me involved. You want me to learn how to ride on your back and learn the ways you move. Which way should I lean to stay balanced as you fly through this world? My imagination cannot take me to the heights of joy you have for me.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light. But there is nothing harder than learning how to receive; how to be carried; how to be humble and take joy in serving the servant of all.

Colorful dream

2006-03-04T21:03:00.000-08:00

My excitement is bright light green. My potential is dark green. My anger is orange and my hope is gold. My rage is red and my prayers are blue. My feelings all have colors. Colors effect our mood everyday. We wear various colors depending on how we feel that day. Have you ever thought about the colors you associate with various aspects of your life. You can start by thinking about what colors you associate with each day of the weak. Monday is red, Tuesday is blue, wed is dull orange, thursday is pale yellow and friday is dark blue, Saturday and sunday are both white. Do you dream in color? I can't recall the colors in my dream most of the time, but every once in a while I dream of things with very distinct colors. These are the best and most meaningful dreams.

Mod Podge

2006-02-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

I searched my appartment so desperately for a pack of cigarettes the other day to satisfy my craving to be self-destructive, or, to feel better. I found everything but. I ran across old pictures and journals and all sorts of things that should have distracted me. But they did not deter me from my goal. Amazing how a craving can drive someone to disregard everything else. Beware of tunnel vision. The craving seems to haunt you until you obey. Powerlessness.

I have so many interests. When one gets old I begin another. There is always something to do halfway, but never finish of course. Why do I want to live like this? Jumping from one thing to another so that I never accomplish anything really. I am just a little bit good at a whole lot of things. Do I fear success? Responsibility? Boredom?

There's no in between, I'm walking into darkness or walking into light. Death is right in front of me. It's black or white, wrong or right; there's nothing else to be seen. Decision is inevitable and my will is weak. And as I write I fall asleepppppppzzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z

The Party

2006-02-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

The chances of a good time at a party these days are slim to none. But tonight, I had the time of my life. A strange combination of worlds come alive on the living room dance floor and no one is afraid to move to the music just as they uniquely see fit. Men, women, gay, strait, married, single, old, young, Christians, aetheists, short, tall, obnoxious and shy, all together on the dance floor movin' to C & C music factory. It was a Saturday night spent well. Way to go Peter.

More Honesty

2006-02-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

Driving, looking out the window and I spot someone familiar. Sure enough, one of the members of my group walking down the side walk. Is he gonna do it? Is he gonna do it? Wait for it.....and YEP got him! Walking into the bar. turned around, parked, walked in and sure enough, there he was with a beer in front of him. So I sat and waited. Ordered some water and waited....until, sure enough there was the voice I expected to hear. "Hey I know you, what are you doing here?" and of course the reponse was, what are YOU doing here?

Caught in the act. Best kind of therapy I could ever do.

Honesty

2006-01-31T20:13:00.000-08:00

"What really happened?" I asked with hesitancy. I wasn't sure he even knew. "you say you didn't use any drugs this weekend, and yet I am holding evidence in my hand that tells me you did." No response. Denial is powerful and it's something we all practice to some degree. What is it all about? I can describe it in once sentence: "Get me as far from reality as possible because I ain't likin this!"

I approached a man just like this one in the picture. I said, "do you really want beer or are you tryin to make money?" As I said this someone on the streets of the bar ridden area of town handed him a can of beer. He answered me by opening the can and pouring it out. No sign of intoxication that I could see; pupils were normal, no slurred speech or cognitive funkiness. I suppose "things aren't always as they seem" may be an understatement.

Reality is we all live in this world. Reality is the world is a messed up place. Reality is that hope exists. Reality is that truth has been given to us. Reality is that many people live in denial. It's time we sober up, yes?

But who cares about reality when what matters most is me? What matters is my pleasure, my gain, and I will paint my own picture of reality in order to follow the impulses of my ID."

So I speak to a grown man possessing the mentality of the above statements. What motivation is there for the truth? Is it the potential of getting caught? Is it the desire to reach future goals? Is there any valuing of honesty itself? What a tough game we play when we mess with addiction. The ID morphing into a monster more wild than our wildest dreams when we awaken it. What can overpower such a beast?

We are left with some options: find a greater power or avoid the beast

Such a beast! I am speaking of addiction and I am speaking of sin
The church often works hard to avoid the beast while denying the power of God to overcome him, leaving an unnecessary fear of evil. Do you have faith that there is a power greater than the beast? "I will fear no evil" (ps. 23). There is no need to fear evil, even evil within us. We pray "deliver us from evil" in faith that God is great enough to do this, and has done this already.

We fight a battle that has already been won. Do we believe it?

Raw in Winter

2006-01-30T19:31:00.000-08:00

My creative side has hidden itself again; I am lost and tired today. I remember depression. I remember the mysterious evil that is in the process of losing the will to live. Losing will is what I fear; losing control over my will, my motivation, my desires, and my ability to press on. This lie again would grow from seeds of darkness planted long ago. I thought I dug down deep enough to uproot it all. It seems there is always more. The stench of spilled gasoline on the carpet. I use every method known to remove the smell but nothing works. I am stuck with me. I am stuck with my brokenness. I am stuck with a responsibility to hope in you. I am stuck with a desperate need for faith to grow stronger. Time, work, perseverence and humility. I feel raw. Tears flow freely and my words communicate exactly what I mean rather than what sounds good. Raw and ready to remain in you for the life that is promised and the love that is now.

If coffee could talk

2006-01-30T00:23:00.000-08:00

Out of all the addictions I have had, I have to say that coffee has been my favorite. This drug, caffeine, so innocently hidden; inside a bitter sweet beverage just hot enough to shock my body into the day. Coffee is a cross-cultural connection. Espresso brings me back to my Italian roots, while the South American blends take me back to the hispanic cultures I have fallen in love with over the summers. Arabian mocha java as mysterious as the adventures I hope to take around the world someday in the future.

If coffee had a personality it would be much like the man I hope to find: exciting, adventurous, greeting me with a smile in the morning; taking me all over the world and of course, very hot!
(originally posted July 2005)

2006-01-29T23:22:00.000-08:00

This is my band; don't we look cool? We are called "The Strangers"

COME HEAR US PLAY ON Friday, Feb. 10 @ 7:00 PM North Branch Presbyterian Church 139 North Branch Road, Monaca, PA
For more info call: (724) 774-0711 or (724) 728-5998

PHOTO BY KELLY DEE

Snooze alarm

2006-01-29T22:53:00.000-08:00

It's just like he said
the gap between realization and change
sometimes complicates things
too much time contemplating

I would abandon the obvious
for a few more minutes of sleep
I would drown my spirit
with an undying lust
not undefeated, ultimately

He must have been
something, I think looking back
Unique and full of life
brought before my eyes
as a test of my love
and an object of your affection
Are you desiring his attention?

Upon waking
I opened my eyes for a brief moment
But so heavy
My body weak
Sheer will the only thing
to move me

It's not enough
as I fall back into sleep
into my dreams where
anything is possible

Sometimes I believe
all things are possibe
Even when my eyes are open
But why not this?
Why not claim what is yours?
Claim what you love?
Why not now?

Upon waking I begin to see
that morning has broken
and it is time to rise
from the fantasy

But just a few more minutes please
let me believe that the end
has not arrived

A sigh of relief
for the hardest words
have been said

I am standing now
no turning back
into my slumber

and tears flood my eyes
like water breaking
through the dam
down my cheeks
and my face is covered
with the sorrow of saying goodbye

I hope you will read
I hope now you will be free
to find greater love

ANGRY

2006-01-29T19:48:00.000-08:00

When did they begin killing each other. We're allowed to protect ourselves but they aren't. It's against the rules. Unspoken rules that a man learns at a young age. Just as men have sought honor and respect throughout history, so they follow the way of "honor" just as they have been taught. But when did protecting one's honor become a crime? They protect the honor of their family while he protects the honor of the city and he will be rewarded; they will be punished. He will be crowned with news coverage as every detail of his minor gun shot wound is explained. They lie corpses untouched; waiting to be tossed out of the way. Piled up, rotting souls at the top of the hill. The stench of this injustice brings about rage within those still living; turning them to stone, immobilized, bound by feet and hands, and shipped to the county jail for the sake of freedom for the rest of us. The familiar fragrance of an ancient injustice, as vibrant as when it was born; yet too old to be bothered, or accused of anything wrong. Expected to die soon if it hasn't died already. Few understand that there is no death for this one until the return of the Righteous. He will be hastened by our labor for justice.

So I don't know how to sew! So?

2006-01-29T08:51:00.000-08:00

15 minutes on the phone with my mother as she explains the process of hemming pants without the advantage of visual, tactile instruction. I'm lost. But then really how hard can it be. Fold and sew right?

I am a typical example of the majority of women in my generation. I don't know what it is like to see sewing machines unwrapped at bridal showers. A new definition of womanhood, only just now being noticed by women my age as the hard truth sinks in that we have not yet seen society embrace women for what they truly are. And what are we? I think the problem is we don't know. Feminist movements to me appear to be much like my own gender identity defining process, just on a much larger scale. The pushing and pulling and fighting and proclaiming. The suppression, the desire, the longing, the arriving yet still knowing more is to be done, more is to be defined. The whirlwind of the desire to and the struggle to stand firmly, freely in one's identity.

So I don't know how to sew. So what? I don't know how to sew anything. Doesn't phase me much really. But if I did, I would be proud. I would embrace it as an expression of artistic ability and craftsmanship (or craftswomanship). Not limited to one gender but simply an activity through which my gender identity can be expressed. I see almost any other activity as holding the same potential. Notice I do say almost any. I'll be the first to admit there are things I just can't do and/or don't like to do; be it because I am a woman or because I am uniquely me.

And still, there is a longing in me to see women embraced by society through more than just job opportunities, equal rights as a citizen, etc. More than what satisfied the angry soldiers in petticoats years ago. They had a message beyond the specific right(s) they were fighting for. To see both women and men embrace femininity; to embrace all that it means to be a woman; to look for and define what is awesome about womenhood. This is a never ending process; a never ending message to be sent by women and men who see the need. A never ending battle to embrace what God has created.

Even in the rain

2006-01-29T05:46:00.000-08:00

I love my porch. It rains. I am so close to the rain but kept dry by my little porch roof. And hypnotized into a state of peace by the waterfall of rain flowing from the gutter down onto the concrete. Almost 9am now. Doesn't quite feel like morning.

I am ready for a deeper, more rich experience of life today. I find myself longing for something; needing something more than all that I have. Somehow material goods, a job that I love, good health, a relatively stable financial situation, a great living space, and even close friendships isn't enough for me. Today I long for more. I long for meaning, depth; I long to be near to my God; to all his greatness, beauty, love.

I am thankful for a rainy day. I am thankful that I am not held back today. I am not hindered by my fear, my pride, busyness, stress, financial complications, etc. Nothing holds me back today. I know my freedom today. And so I eagerly anticipate what the day may bring. This is joy. This is peace. This is a soul satisfied with its God.
(originally posted Aug. 2005)

Another quiet night in the city

2006-01-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

I have become accustomed to the sounds of trains passing, cars rolling by, the buz of the printing press across the street and the occasional siren. The sounds of the city are as peaceful to me as the crickets chirping, the breeze blowing through the trees and, well, whatever nature sounds people out in the country might experience.

I love the city. Though I do love to get away at times, the city feels more like home. I am a lover of nature as well; nothing around me for miles, sitting in the middle of the woods with the moonlight and the stars. I suppose it is just not a place I can live for any lengthy period of time.

So tonight I sit outside with the streetlights and the rhythmic rolling of the trains, and my thoughts. My mind is on the many stories I heard tonight. My occupation involves working with people and hearing their stories. Often very sad stories. But part of my job is to find the hope within those stories. And this is what I love: finding hope in the midst of struggle. There is nothing quite like it. To look sickness, sorrow and death in the face and speak life, truth and hope. This is my high, my passion. This is what satisfies my soul.
(originally posted July 2005)

Sell it to me

2006-01-28T08:20:00.000-08:00

Titles, credentials, and creativity. I've grown up in a generation that says "Sell it to me!" with an attitude of entitlement. Sell yourself to me! Market yourself if you can. Make sure you get an acronymed title to write after your name. And if you can't do that, well join a band, heck start a band, just create something and come up with an orginal NAME for goodness sakes. If there's anything original left.

Sell it to me: Everything is marketed. I have a hard time thinking of anything that's not. And of course I have some acceptance for the fact that things need to be marketed; made known to the public. Hey sometimes it's even for the buyer's good; to get the word out there. But there is a reason that I have become such a consumer. I don't think I was born that way. I am not sure socialization is the answer. I would say that my "Sell it to me" mentality comes from having been BOMBARDED with selling strategies, advertisements, pitches. And let's face it, you're only going to let the baseball be thrown at you so many times before you can't take it anymore. So what do I do? I pick up the bat and start playing the game. This makes me think that marketing is often more about manipulation than a delivering of information. The world around me has forced me to swing, to play the game just to survive, but I never asked for the pitch!

I NEVER ASKED YOU TO SELL IT TO ME:
In my opinion, most marketing involves some manipulation of mind and emotions, catching someone at a weak moment etc. First, let's be clear by visiting dictionary.com

- Manipulation: n 1: exerting shrewd or devious influence especially for one's own advantage

Yep, devious and shrewd; pretty strong. Okay, so this definition seems to point to the involvement of a person who's motivation is for their own gain; very cold hearted, shrewd and devious. This, then of course is not always the scene behind a marketing strategy. But maybe marketing strategies themselves are techniques for "moving" persons in a certain direction that will benefit the seller as an individual or the selling company/community at large. Sometimes to move a person in the desired direction, one must be shrewd or even deceptive; Sometimes it's simply what works!

I'd like to believe that if there's one thing that is not marketed, it would be Faith. So why did I receivie a Watchtower newsletter on my front porch today? And so it is; even faith is a pitch I've got to swing back at. It's no wonder so many people are hostile toward proselitzing. And who is more hostile than the generation that has heard every pitch known to man and thus left saying "Sell it to me...Just try, cause I've heard it all." I know I am numb to these bids for my attention, as are many others my age (mid-twenties). And the churches... well, my heart goes out to them too. They've been taught that if they want to share the hope they have, well, they have to pitch it just right. And after years of trying to sell to a numb and responseless generation, it's no wonder they are giving up. But, if they really want to share their hope, maybe they'll find another way.

So I open my door and pick up the newsletter. Once again, my time and space is taken up by another pitch. But I didn't ask them to SELL IT TO ME. When it comes to religion I am not looking to buy. I am looking to discover. To those involved in marketing religion or faith I say: I can only guess what your motivation may be and I understand it's importance to you, but consider what is important to me and something worthwhile might come out of the whole exchange; whether the outcome is what you intended or not. If it's God's gain you're after and not your own, then do what he would do: humble yourself and consider another first. Understand that I never asked you to SELL IT TO ME. I am not looking to buy; I am looking to discover.

Learned Optimism

2006-01-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

So if you thought my last post was somewhat pessimistic, you are probably right on. It's funny, but I think at times, such focused pessimism as is found in my last post actually gives me some sense of clarity. I think that pessimism is sometimes necessary. What I should say is that thinking like a pessimist is sometimes beneficial. What I learned from dictionary.com today is that optimism and pessimism actually refer more to the disposition of an individual rather than an isolated thought or act. So the word itself points to a personality trait. In terms of my personality, I believe I am both optimistic and pessimistic. But I have my own definition of pessimism and I use it for the purposes of analysis and generating alternatives rather than to dwell in hopelessness and defeat without the possibility of alternatives and change.

For me, It is sometimes helpful to isolate the negative, analyze it, and ponder the problems in order to see where change is needed and to generate possible solutions/ways to improve. I do become frustrated at times with the degree to which advertizing bombards me in this country. But for the most part, I accept the circumstance I live in and agitate the system/challenge the status quo when I get the chance.

My personal proverb for the day:

Agitate the system
Be misunderstood by many
Play to an audience of one

(originally posted July 2005)

Mellon Park on Christmas Day

2006-01-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

My Atheist Pastor

2006-01-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

So my coworker is the strangest atheist I have ever met. She put on WORD fm as we drove to work today and not because I, being the Jesus freak of the two of us, asked her to. But no, she by her own will, listens to WORD fm. So I was in some kind of funk until I got into her car and heard the word of God on the radio. Oh so encouraging, Revelation; reminding me of the urgency of the message and the reality of the coming judgment. "The end of all things is near"...."This is the last hour"...."I am coming soon." The man is comin around to take names; he decides who to free and who to blame.....

What a day. So I have about the toughest therapy group ever and I am riding home with my coworker, again my atheist coworker, reminds me of the Christ-likeness I exercise in sacrificing for the sake of healing for the addicts I counsel. Martyrdom and self-sacrifice (not a codependent or unhealthy sacrifice); genuine, altruistic sacrifice. I think my coworker has been pastoring me all dat today; reminding me of judgment and new life in Christ and encouraging me to imitate Christ through sacrificial/agape love.

Too much to say

2006-01-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

I have too much to do, too much to say. I have too much riding on what I do. I have too much concern over what I do or do not say. I have too many dreams. I have too many visions. And it's late, and my eyes are drooping

SAD

2006-01-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

What a sweet man; a sweet, older, very simple minded man, yet deep; wrestling with the rage inside of him. He wanted to start talking to his son more. So many sad stories making up his history, yet too stubborn to let these define him. He would stand up and fight. Eyes now almost fully open to the world again with no distortion. He was learning all over again, like a kid. So sad to know that he is gone. Tomorrow I will feel the void in the circle.

Don't ruin my high man!

2006-01-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

My raging idealism like the highest point of the highest rollercoaster bound to bring you racing down with an unstoppable force, that is, if one chooses to ride. "Don't ruin my high, I say to my pessimistic side. Reality bringing me down again. Extremes have always been more interesting to me. Middle ground always frightening me away with it's threat of emptiness and spiritual death.

Holding on for dear life now at that point of descent where your stomach flies up into your throat and you forget for a split second that you are safely strapped in. I can't remember why I chose to ride anyway. I suppose everyone else was doing it. And really had nothing better to do. Should keep myself occupied like everyone else. But when I look at the big picture I am really just going around in circles.

Here's to an new inspiration

2006-01-02T06:40:00.000-08:00

Inspired by freedom which I have tasted once or twice in the place of powerlessness. I long to be humble and empowered by something other than my narcissism. So I bow down low and try to remember that I am not my own master. And in this place of getting as low as I can to honor the highest....a thought....a whisper in my ear: " look at you so humble, so godly, so perfect. You are really spiritual..." And I am taken from my freedom into the bondage of my ego.

Inspired by grace which has been poured down in large buckets. Like a splash of ice cold water to wake me, and somehow shock my spirit back to life again. I gasp as if I have been just revived. I was buried alive by my own rebellion and found by one who won't give up.

I don't want to die. I don't want to fall asleep. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't want to live forever." The degree to which this concept is beyond my comprehension is such that it frightens me. I notice that it is more frightening when I am asleep. Asleep, that is, to the battle I am fighting; to the destination I must press on to reach. But when I am awake. Oh when I am awake! Those brief moments of clarity; of my finger touching his, if just for a second...of worlds colliding...then....
then all things are possible and maybe, just maybe it is everasting life with him that I crave.

Inspired by my constant craving; by my raw, id impulses raging within me for a half a second of mind blowing pleasure.
Inspired that this unrelenting beast can be tamed and not only tamed but redeemed. The beast's hunger, when seen in the light, is a holy desperation...a longing for its creator..and a longing for mindblowing love.

Starting anew

2006-01-02T06:35:00.000-08:00

A new day, a new year, a new song, a new friend, a new level of understanding, a new perspective, a new feeling, a new breath, a new sweater, a new haircut, a new way of life, a new life, born to make all things new.

Born into the end

2005-11-27T20:02:00.000-08:00

This is the last hour. I often think about the generation of which I am a part. We have been born into a world that has already discovered so much. The beginning of this story has been lost in an old history book somewhere. Just an old folklore now right up there with Greek Mythology. So far from where we started, I no longer recognize it as reality. So it seems we've been born into the end of the story. Like a terribly long game of telephone in which most of the people playing need hearing aids or have ADHD. So what is the message again? What am I supposed to be doing? What gives life meaning again? Why should I go on?

I think whatever torch I was supposed to carry burnt out a long time ago. A lost generation pressured to appear like we know what we're doing. The me generation didn't look far enough beyond themselves to think about the fact that the world will keep turning after they are gone; or about those who will have to hang on for the ride.

Only for Justice

2005-11-20T21:56:00.000-08:00

In my childhood
I left my bedroom door open
It lasted 5 long years

Is there any light behind your lingering shadow
long lingering shadow
and my childhood swallowed by its darkness

Your eyes paint the room red
Red like blood spilled
Like a drop of your ignorance
into my smallness
Now flooding my senses as I walk into my womanly body

You are still for a long minute
Examining your prey before you pounce
And I like a dream of hopeless falling
Cannot change the circumstances
Cannot open my eyes to a better reality
Even after 25 years

Time won't help me as we know
it heals no wounds

Only for you to know
Only for Justice

My eyes roll back as
lightning flashes;
As a year remembers me in a moment

You impregnated me with hate
with your thornbush that grew
only bigger as I grew older
Your seed of anger found its life here in me
but will never be birthed
and I will never be free
Cursed for the curse
of my female body

Raging waters won’t be settled by kind words
or sympathy
or your pathetic efforts to compensate now
for what I needed then

Only for you to know
Only for justice

Only you feeling these thorns that grow inside me
This child fantasizing about the day she will be big enough
to rage back
but she never grows

Only for you to know
Only for justice

50 out of a million

2005-11-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

Far too much to say to know where to begin. Tonight I tucked in a 15 year old little girl at the hospital. She needs a liver transplant. She chatters excessivey, asks questions incessantly, extraordinarily sociable and somewhat endearing. She frustrates you but she intrigues you and delights you at the same time. She is hypnotized by the music and traumatized by a snide remark. Is she 15 or 8? She is short but appears closer to 15. She can't hold onto one task for more than 5 seconds and when she doesn't know what to say, she just repeats a former question for which you have already provided an answer, just so that she can interact with you.

It seems as if she loves you, even though she has only known you for a few hours. She hugs you, plays with your hair, affectionate as a new puppy and will follow you as a duckling will follow anything that leads him/her in a motherly way. Seemingly desperate for attention, at times appearing emotionally flat and yet so easily injured.
This is Williams Syndrome. I have read about it a bit and only encountered it twice in my life, but I am sure that the little girl I have made friends with in Children's Hospital is a Williams Syndrome Kid. Endearing and energetic, aggravating and adoring. A fascinating human being.

Subtle fears awaken in sleep

2005-11-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

I call this a nightmare. Haven't had one in ages. Too much caffeine before bed the other night and a subtle fear of someone breaking into my apartment created a classic murder film in my REMing mind. Before I can lock the door the man is breaking through and

I wake up with a rapid heart beat and a slow return to reality. Sigh of relief. "It was just a dream," I say as reason returns. "Ya," says my body sarcastically as it responds to my brain..."Maybe a little to fuzzy or illogical to you, but that was real thing for me; I was ready to turn the juice loose with my fight or flight plan!"

This is one of those nightmares that frightens you into staying awake until sunrise rather than relive it lest you fall back into the same terrible part of dreamland.

A low hummmmmmm

2005-11-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

I remember it. The low humm of the giant eagle lights. We met in the basement. We worshiped there. This was our space. This was my first church. Interesting isn't it, that I would end up a part of a church much like it. No set meeting place, lots of focus on community, passionate young people acting all crazy and trying to do something new, or different at least. This is normal for me though. This is how I started.

The days fly by and the minutes move slow

2005-10-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

These are strange times. Reality and fantasy merge before my eyes on the TV screen. Anything is possible yet tradgedy is everywhere. Sometimes I recall my dreams as if they were memories. During the day I settle into a meditative state as I perpetuate a cycle of paperbased madness. What to make of these times. Caught up in the insanity of reality where freedom is found more easily by those caged up and fantasy is the tradgedy that imprisons many.

Intuition, chance, or a Divine hint?

2005-10-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

So I was meditating on the Scriptures on my Yoga mat the other morning, when I had this overwhelming certainty that one of my good friends had become pregnant. I was so excited when this popped into my head that I had to find out if it was true. So I called the first suspect (not going to mention the name in case anyone she wants to tell first reads this), who I have not spoken to in quite a few months. After about two minutes of conversation I said...

"You wouldn't happen to be pregnant would you?"
She laughed and said slightly surprised, "Actually, I am. I was just about to tell you that"

This is the second time I have had a premonition or whatever you want to call it for this particular friend. In fact the first time she became pregnant I think i had a dream about it before it happened. So now I am left trying to explain this to myself. Why and how does this happen? Is their some kind of womanly hormonal link? Is it chance? Was God letting me in on a little secret? If so, for what reason?

I actually cried at this friend's wedding. I cried because I had this overwhelming joy at the thought of all the amazing things their kids would do and how their whole family would stand for justice. It begins.

En La Noche

2005-10-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Dreams have a way of waking you up, don't you think? I keep dreaming about the same things over and over again. For example, in all of my dreams lately, there has been some kind of disaster. I dreamt of a hurricane last night. It began as a movie I was watching and then suddenly I was a part of it. The strangest dream I have had lately was about a murderer. In the dream I was some kind of ghost and I was supposed to enter the body of this murderer to change his course of action. Maybe I was an angel; or dude from quantom leap. I loved that show. (There is a show I like now called the medium which is similar: every week there is a new challenge to solve a mytery of something that needs to happen or be discovered, and the main character plays integral part). So anyway, my dreams have been full of crazy events and disasters. Not sure what to make of this.

I once dreamt of being a rock star.

Dreams are hard to keep up with. They tend to move quickly. Some might see dreams as a tease. Like a bad joke played on us when we are too young to realize it. I once dreamt of being a rock star. Then reality sank in. This is something to be bitter about. So what is the purpose of a dream if I can never get there. Shoot for the stars and maybe I'll reach the moon?

Two meanings for the word dream. I think this may be the key to the meaning of my recent dreams. In every disaster dream the outcome is unknown. Similarly, regarding my waking dreams for the future, I am unsure. And the big unknown is often more daunting than any known and anticipated challenge.

I'm playing a role right now in life. I am fighting a battle, and I am moving with the urgency necessary for these times. What is the outcome?

Do you think I am funny?

2005-10-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Yes or No

confusion, grief, control, and drugs

2005-10-06T21:39:00.001-07:00

Reality has escaped me. We spend our whole lives searching for it, and with one heartless act, everything can be taken away. All the achievements, all the wealth, the social status and class... And then when he was murdured...It was as if everyone and everything scattered, including my understanding of myself. Different parts of me fled to different corners of the room as I looked for anywhere to be but in the reality of the moment. And then a bag. Then two and everything came back; I was the way I remembered myself to be, before my sanity had been ripped apart. Ah and if just for the moment, well, that's enough. No evil is disguised more elegantly.

2005-10-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

Benevolent Bob

2005-10-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

I once new a man named Bob. Bob was in his 50's I believe. He had a twin brother who was a catholic priest. Never have I met anyone with such seemingly good intentions as Bob. Bob was funny. Bob was innocent. Bob worked in the library binding books. Bob has a dark side about as frightening as the tunnel scene in the original willy wonka movie with Gene Wilder. It's only scary in a bizaar kind of confusing way if it's scary at all. I will never forget Bob. Benevolent Bob. Always lookin' out for the good of the whole, the beauty of the world and the bright side of book binding.

Song Lyrics

2005-10-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

See how he stands beside me
waiting for someone to see
how charming, how convincing
is the story of his return to sanity

He doesn't feel quite right I say
he's been lying to your dove eyes since the day he came your way

Look out my sister, look out my friend
there is a dark side to that man

See look now, he has only eyes for you
but when you turn your head
his gaze is anything but true
He's carryin a heavy load on that conscience of his
someday he'll stumble, and he'll finally be free look you in the eyes

Oh the feelings of love can look past anything
This is why we need the eyes of a friend

freely receive, freely give, freely receive....

2005-10-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

So many things in life seem to be coming full circle. I have spent several of the past years as an intern in the field of psychology and social work. Now I have my own intern! My parents move back into the house we lived in over 10 years ago, where I spent several of my younger years. I get back what I gave away (financially) - almost to the exact amount! It's exciting.

So maybe there is something to the saying "what goes around comes around" or "give and you will receive..."

I think this is grace. A gift. Not a reward for giving, but a gift. I experience gratefulness when I receive such grace. Mostly I am speaking of finances and the like, although there have been many other gifts lately. Like when my speeding citation was dismissed when the officer didn't show, or when I got two $20 gourmet dinners for free the other night. Like the other day when I heard God say "daughter, your debt for sin is on me." He watches over us, yes. He knows our need, and he loves our trust and dependence.

Please Understand Me

2005-09-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

I cannot understand why I have not called Anna in so long. She's one of my favorite people, yet I continually choose to put off calling her. I miss her. This is one of the mysteries of me.

I also miss Amy Jo. Amy and George had a baby, which I haven't seen yet nor made an effort to go see. Can you understand this? I can't. Then there's Bonnie and Brandon. Oh what an adorable baby they have. When they moved back to the city I was so excited to be closer to them, and yet, I fail to contact them. This is a mystery to me.

I suppose it could simply be that the effort is not worth it. It could be that I already have stimulus overload and I can't handle anymore. Too many obligations and social contacts. Too much pressure put on myself. Ah ... so many mysteries. It's clear that I am far too complex a creation, and I haven't been given the capacity to fully grasp my own thinking or behavior. We all need help with these mysteries.

It's really nice to have someone who understands

rules of life

2005-09-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

Awaken my spirit each morning
move my mind from dream state
into meditation on truth

As the blood moves
faster through my veins
let me rise to new challenges,
and gifts of a new day

And as worry creeps in
let me stand in peace,
mind, soul and body
against that which would hinder me

I will sing for my love
I will strive to improve
I will speak in language I once almost knew

I will pray for the world
I will pray for my friends
I will speak with wisdom
as I long for the end

Tonight I will rest
meditate and unwind
Tonight I will free up my body and mind

I will paint my inside
putting names to emotions
I will clarify
all my false notions

And as I close my eyes
I will speak to my guide
Alone and in silence

Another song about love

2005-09-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Would you dig me a grave
and carve me a stone
Can you bury my sorrow
and leave it alone

Anymore, I am drained
far from my feelings
unjustly restrained
abrupt in my dealings

Only one hit
brings the high that I crave
memories of your face
and my heart is a slave

And here now, come now
you used to say
lay your head on my chest
and listen as I pray

alive, your heart pumped
gave your mind words
the faster it moved
the more you were heard

But no comfort remains
As I've said my goodbye
no crawling back in
for a glimpse of your eyes

I dig my own grave
and I carve my own stone
for my sorrows I bury
and I do it alone

Death Toll

2005-09-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

Death has been on my mind lately
Last night I dreamt I was mourning
I am not sure who died in the dream
But I know that the pain I felt was real

And now thousands have been found
in the town of New Orleans
After a long night, they finally close their eyes
Their last memory a terrifying wind
The sound of a multitude
Breathing in their last as they give up the fight

What's left alive is suffering
Witnesses to tell the story
Long walking with the will to survive
The unknown ahead keeps them moving on
Hoping

You're so vain

2005-08-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

You probably think this blog is about you
You're so vain
I bet you think this blog is about you
don't you?

Upon Waking

2005-08-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

Some things are so hard to let go of
Like a drug
I can't put it down
I won't listen to the voice of reason
and I would deny what I once so strongly believed

And now, as reality returns
my tunnel vision slowly widening
Please let me return to my dream
to my fantasy
let me believe
just for the moment
that the end has not arrived

And so it is

2005-08-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

So it is that life twists and turns.
And we go round and round.
Everything turns and churns and returns to the ground.
Left searching for meaning and purpose
which I will never fully comprehend until it all ends.

And all of the wisdom of the ancients
disregarded by this generation
and so we go round and round
into the world and back to the ground
Meaningless! Everything is. Meaningless!

But everything happens for a reason
We are slaves to the aliens
an experiment of the machines or
simply what goes around comes around
Could it be karma?

Who are we kidding?
It's all chaos
Eat drink and be merry
Enjoy life while you have it

And still no rest after this resolution
no peace, no satisfaction, never enough!
Is this all there is?
I cry, I groan, I ache for more

I will not settle for this humanity
and I will not rest without an answer
or a revelation

A promise of eternity
a redeemed humanity
a unity with my creator
no more mourning or crying or pain
and a freedom from the chains
of this world

A Word to the wise

2005-08-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

Wisdom and fear. Fear is a powerful motivator which often causes individuals to accomplish things they never thought were possible. The same emotion can paralyze a person to the point of death.

God puts us in a place of fear by his presence; by revealing just a small portion of his magnificence. But is this a fear that paralyzes? According to scripture, often yes, this is the case. The appearance of angels and manifestations of God often cause the beholder to drop quickly to their knees or flat on their face in fear. It is then that the voice comes saying "Do not fear." And why should they not fear? This is a God who could destroy them in a heartbeat. I don't think that the do not fear message means "there is nothing to be afraid of," rather "be afraid, be very afraid, but now rise up and know that you are not in danger, I am not going to strike you down even though I have the power to." Power and mercy together like this is a rarely seen other than in the character of God.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. So this is our starting point. Reminds me of the first step in Alcoholics anonymous and narcotics anonymous: "Admitting Powerlessness" Although this is not exactly the same, often the way to the point of powerlessness involves great fear. It is from this place of humility that we are open to learn and receive wisdom.

Music of the Night

2005-08-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

A little show at club cafe. Not a bad show. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was fun to be on that starry stage too. Tonight I fell in love with music all over again. So I wrote this (Inspired in part by Chuck Shultz/Chuch Brown: "Happiness is....")

Music is Red
Music is subtle
Music is happiness that runs deep
Music is soft
Music is a vibration (moving through my body)
thundering through my chest
Music is fluid
Music is constant
Music is a never ending story; a timeless companion
Music is the love between two birds; wisdom without words
Music is alive
Music is a tale not told in years
taken from old to young
Music is delicate
Music is a bright night
Music is passion played;
Music is thick
Music is a soul searching deep
Music is alone
Music is the listener's choice
Music is many
at once
Music is silence
Music is Red

Home Alone and lovin it

2005-08-02T19:47:00.000-07:00

So I made the big move to live all alone. Funny how change kind of hits us in waves. I feel like I am living in someone elses house - which technically is true because i rent, but that's not the point. It hasn't become "mine" yet in my mind. I feel very lucky to have such a beautiful place to call home.

Home alone and sometimes I question when exactly it was that I became an adult. I sometimes get the sense that I have been dreaming all of this and that soon I will wake up as a kid again. One thing I like about God is that I can still be a child in relationship to him. If you think about what makes a kid a kid and in need of parents, it's that they have not yet fully developed and therefore need the guidance of one who has. God is that way with us in a sense, in that we are growing into his likeness more and more but continue to need his guidance until we fully develop. I like being a kid. It means I don't know it all. And if I don't know it all that means there is much more to come much better than what is. It means there is hope for solutions beyond my comprehension and life like I cannot even imagine yet to come. I lean on the knowledge that my mind is limited. I love to know that I cannot fully know but that I have a God who intends to one day fully reveal.

Poetry over Tequila

2005-07-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

So I went to poetry night at this bar the other night. Only I came on the wrong night. But I did in fact hear poetry which somehow led me to receiving a free drink, which then led me to begin speaking a made up language that convinced my linguistic scholar friend that I was actually fluent in a foreign language.

It's been a series of strange nights, experiences, encounters. A little overwhelming but exciting as well. I suppose I love living in suspense. Everything is in suspense at this point. Lots of things on hold, pending, soon to come but not yet here. I love the tension of the present moment as I am in the midst of transition.

Behind Bars

2005-07-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

You know I had many conversations this week about freedom. With people who have been placed behind bars and with people who have been behind their own self-made bars. And of course I have many of my own prisons I lock myself up in; hiding behind bars. Escaping the world is often a desire of mine. For some, the only way to do that is to get themselves locked up or to use something to escape in their mind, placing them behind bars as a result.

The best prison for me is the one created by the God of freedom. That is, the truth that binds me to him. Like prison, there are rules and guidelines, boundaries, ways I have to do things, truth I have to follow. But the funny thing about this prison is that there is so much room for movement within it. There is freedom in this prison: freedom to be myself, freedom to let go and love. The only thing I am bound to in this prison in my God and the ways he shows me to live. When I follow his advise, I feel satisfied, fulfilled, and ironically free. I am the prisoner of a God who loves me and who would never force me to do anything. True freedom is ideal freedom which only God fully understands because he made me and he made me capable of experiencing, at least in part, this true freedom. I am a prisoner of a God who made me and understands everything I need. I am a prisoner of the God who allows me to wander away and do things my way, to do what I think will bring me freedom. But I always end up realizing that I have true freedom when I stay with him, following close behind him. So I am behind him or I am behind bars. It's that simple. And it's my choice what I want to stand behind.

Change

2005-07-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

The theme of the week. Completely overwhelmed and my brain is beginning to shut down. What do I need to do to maintain my sanity?

Change is Inevitable
God is Constant

One foot in front of the other, I will move freely, secure in the constancy of my God.

Mysterious Audience

2005-07-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess if you can't publish a book you can create a blog. I am really enjoying this blogging experience so far. I love to journal, always have loved to write about experiences and thoughts, lessons learned, etc. I remember when I was younger, like elementary school and I would pretend to the point of almost believing that my life was really a movie with an unknown audience, to be revealed later in life. I guess I had the idea for the Truman Show first huh. Well, as life went on I guess this sense of a mysterious audience stuck with me. Still at a very early age, about 7,8, I decided that God was my mysterious audience. I talked to him everyday, like an imaginary friend. And as with an imaginary friend I had faith at the time that God was real. That faded away and was forgotten for about 10 years. I still journaled, but became lonelier and lonelier and sooner or later lost interest in writing. Instead I began writing little plans for myself, like rules, and ways to live. Analyzing my life and putting my all into self improvement to the point of self-destructive perfectionism. This would soon control me like a disease. I then hit a wall in the midst of practicing the lonely religion of self-improvement, and I remembered my friend. My mysterious audience was revealed, just as I had imagined, later in life. Finally the author of my story showed his face.

I speak again to an unknown audience. Not sure if anyone will ever read this. Not sure if I care. I would imagine that if their are readers out there, it is to your benefit to read, as you can always gain wisdom from the life of another.

Speaking of which, my night was filled with wisdom gained from the words and stories of others. I had a practice with the band I sing with. But more important than the music we played, were the real life experiences and truths shared. All I can say is I feel blessed.

"It's time for refining" said my Friend to me tonight. I heard it loud and clear. In all areas of my life, it is obvious that it is time for refining. In gymnastics it was strait legs and pointed toes, in English class it was proper use of colons and quotation marks (which I obviously forgot) - Dotting the i's and crossing the t's. What that looks like in life now is that I work in a job where my skills are adequate and effective but need fine tuning. Much of my job is designed for a detail oriented person, which I am not. Musically I am challenged to be more prepared and precise. Physically I am challenged by a friend to tone it up on a bi-weekly basis at the gym with her. This is my life right now and I can say that I love it and I hate it. This is the time for refining. The time for sitting on raw talent is over. No more hiding for fear of not really having talent or not having the ability to develop it. "It's time to finish, polish and refine." I am up for the work with a little help from my Friend. '